I'm a mess.
I've been a mess for several days. It's one of those things I don't want to talk about because I feel pathetic so I hide it from everyone. However, it spills over enough that my husband knows and my kids ask me if I am OK.
Why am I a mess? Well, hormones are definitely to blame and the fact that I fell a week and a half ago while doing the hokey pokey at the roller skating rink and broke my right wrist, my dominate hand. It is a funny story but the truth is I hate being down for the count. I like to be busy and active. If I am not on the go I get so tired, discouraged, and everything gets messy. My house is a mess, my emotions are a mess, one of my kids is a mess because he reacts strongly to my emotions. It hasn't been pretty around here. And I didn't even mention that fact that parenting teenagers is SO hard. I read a great blog post today, it really explains it, it made me cry. This stage of parenting has definitely made me a mess.
Today I saw a beautiful website, a beautiful effort to raise money to help those in need and guess what, I cried. Yes, I cried because I'm currently a mess but I also cried because I was jealous. I am not proud of that fact at all. You see, I should be happy that money is being raised, people are getting involved, lives are being changed, it is all a good thing. But still, I cried for all the wrong reasons.
Why did I cry? Because I am a sinful, selfish mess who deeply cares about 172 precious little children in Ethiopia and I so desperately want to raise more money and awareness to impact their lives. Not just their lives but the lives of hundreds of other children. You see, the ministry I partner with in Ethiopia has over 200 children on a waiting list. On top of that they have 5 more future project sites they hope to launch. If I could raise enough awareness, enough money, I could fund 7 Christian schools, 7 Centers of H.O.P.E., help over 1,000 children, and hundreds of widows. I cried because I really want to do all that. However, I feel like I can't, I am scared to try, I feel helpless, and I feel messy.
I have people in Ethiopia relying on me. I recently took over a non-profit and my plan is to fundraise like crazy as soon as I get my website done. I have been working so hard on getting it ready. I don't have money to pay a fancy web developer, or hire a marketing consultant, or make this all my job. I have volunteered thousands of hours in the past 4 years and I am OK with that but man I wish I could dedicate myself full-time to this effort but I just can't. I am struggling to find time to get the basics done, to figure out how to be a leader, and to delegate to the precious people who have offered to help me, I am so thankful for their help.
I clean houses part-time and I really enjoy the work. I got home today around noon, I had just finished cleaning a house. I walked in and my house was a mess. My kids were rotting their brains playing video games and I just felt like the worst mother in the world. Oh, if I could just come to peace with a messy house and imperfect kids...
Anyway, I made some lunch, sat down at the computer, and then I saw that beautiful website. I cried. I ended up in my bedroom, collapsed on the floor, and crying out to God. I was angry. That is one thing I appreciate about God, He allows us to come to Him messy, angry, crying, and He listens. It was several hours later that this thought popped in my mind. It was, if I help change one life, that is enough. I thought about the parable Jesus told about the one lost sheep and how the Shepherd left the 99 others to search and came back rejoicing over the one lost sheep he found.
Luke 15:3-7
I've been a mess for several days. It's one of those things I don't want to talk about because I feel pathetic so I hide it from everyone. However, it spills over enough that my husband knows and my kids ask me if I am OK.
Why am I a mess? Well, hormones are definitely to blame and the fact that I fell a week and a half ago while doing the hokey pokey at the roller skating rink and broke my right wrist, my dominate hand. It is a funny story but the truth is I hate being down for the count. I like to be busy and active. If I am not on the go I get so tired, discouraged, and everything gets messy. My house is a mess, my emotions are a mess, one of my kids is a mess because he reacts strongly to my emotions. It hasn't been pretty around here. And I didn't even mention that fact that parenting teenagers is SO hard. I read a great blog post today, it really explains it, it made me cry. This stage of parenting has definitely made me a mess.
Today I saw a beautiful website, a beautiful effort to raise money to help those in need and guess what, I cried. Yes, I cried because I'm currently a mess but I also cried because I was jealous. I am not proud of that fact at all. You see, I should be happy that money is being raised, people are getting involved, lives are being changed, it is all a good thing. But still, I cried for all the wrong reasons.
Why did I cry? Because I am a sinful, selfish mess who deeply cares about 172 precious little children in Ethiopia and I so desperately want to raise more money and awareness to impact their lives. Not just their lives but the lives of hundreds of other children. You see, the ministry I partner with in Ethiopia has over 200 children on a waiting list. On top of that they have 5 more future project sites they hope to launch. If I could raise enough awareness, enough money, I could fund 7 Christian schools, 7 Centers of H.O.P.E., help over 1,000 children, and hundreds of widows. I cried because I really want to do all that. However, I feel like I can't, I am scared to try, I feel helpless, and I feel messy.
I have people in Ethiopia relying on me. I recently took over a non-profit and my plan is to fundraise like crazy as soon as I get my website done. I have been working so hard on getting it ready. I don't have money to pay a fancy web developer, or hire a marketing consultant, or make this all my job. I have volunteered thousands of hours in the past 4 years and I am OK with that but man I wish I could dedicate myself full-time to this effort but I just can't. I am struggling to find time to get the basics done, to figure out how to be a leader, and to delegate to the precious people who have offered to help me, I am so thankful for their help.
I clean houses part-time and I really enjoy the work. I got home today around noon, I had just finished cleaning a house. I walked in and my house was a mess. My kids were rotting their brains playing video games and I just felt like the worst mother in the world. Oh, if I could just come to peace with a messy house and imperfect kids...
Anyway, I made some lunch, sat down at the computer, and then I saw that beautiful website. I cried. I ended up in my bedroom, collapsed on the floor, and crying out to God. I was angry. That is one thing I appreciate about God, He allows us to come to Him messy, angry, crying, and He listens. It was several hours later that this thought popped in my mind. It was, if I help change one life, that is enough. I thought about the parable Jesus told about the one lost sheep and how the Shepherd left the 99 others to search and came back rejoicing over the one lost sheep he found.
Luke 15:3-7
Then Jesus told them this parable: “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.
My house is still a mess, I did cry tonight, but I took comfort in the fact that God listened to me, He is in the many wonderful efforts to help those in need. He is guiding me, and I am striving to be faithful. I rejoice at the one life I am bound to help change. However, I certainly hope it will be many lives.
I hope to have my new website ready in a few days. I hope to have lots of continued support from past donors and future donors. That is my prayer.
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